So I've kinda been gone for a fe days cuz I fell into a pretty decent depression. I'm sorta coming out of it or at least starting to cope with it a lot better. It sort of comes and goes in severity. At some points I can't even get out of bed without a huge internal struggle, but at other points I can function and just feel like I am going to cry at the drop of a hat. Its kinda weird to think about, but I should be used to it by now. I'll try and post more these days, but I haven't really had much to say.

The past few days I've been kinda sad about some stuff esp the whole losing a good friend thing, so I started wondering if I was falling into a depression or just sad. So I decided to figure out the differences between sadness and depression.

I know that sadness is a symptom of depression and that depression lasts more than just a few days, but what about people with rapid cycling bipolar, like myself. My mood changes constantly and my depressions can last anywhere from a few days to a month+, so what are the other signs of depression. Some symptoms of depression include:

     loss of sleep
     suicidal thoughts
     feelings of guilt
     changes in weight or appetite
     feeling hopeless
     feeling anxious
     decreased energy
     loss of interest
     inability to concentrate
     sadness

For me, I could probably check off at least 3 of these on a daily basis, even when I know I'm not depressed. I feel guilty all the time over stuff, I don't sleep, and I have trouble focusing on stuff for very long. I've also been losing weight recently and my interests have changed. I have signs of depression, and I feel sad, but even when I don't feel sad I still have the other signs. So am I constantly stuck in a depression and just perk up sometimes?

On the other hand, sadness is an everyday emotion that everyone experiences. It doesn't last as long as depression and usually accompanies a loss. Sadness also doesn't affect your everyday life.

Even though I can easily say that I have symptoms of depression, it isn't affecting how I am able to function day by day. I know that when I get depressed, it gets really hard to even want to do the simplest things in life. I have to force myself to get up and go to work, or help around the house. Its difficult.Therefore, I've figured out I'm just sad and not depressed. I am so lucky right now not to be going through everything I've been struggling with the past few years.

Depression and bipolar disorder are no joke. Both are difficult to handle almost every day. They change the way you think and that doesn't always make sense to people that haven't experienced it. Listen and try to be supportive. Those people in your life that are struggling through these illnesses will be so appreciative even if they can't express that appreciation to you at this moment.

Everyone keeps telling me that a major symptom of BP is pushing people away. It seems like a lot of people with bipolar disorder tend to push their friends and family away. I have also experienced this full blown in the past two years. Its not in my nature to push people away, at least not when I'm "me." However, the past two years, I haven't really been me for more than a few blips here and there. I've been depressed, irritable, angry, you name it.... but I haven't been my normal self. I pushed a lot of people away. It started with my parents, then a guy, then my best friend, and more recently some friends from home.

I know I tend to reach out to people, especially when I'm feeling desperate, but then I don't take their advice and fight back at them, thus pushing them away. I tended to lash out at people and make things all about me, which pushes people away. My true friends have come back. Its taken a bit for some of them to come back, but eventually they did. Right now I pushed a really good friend away by making everything about me and fighting her whenever she tried to help me. Idk what to do at this point cuz she won't really talk to me about fixing it. She won't give me a chance to show her I'm just me again. The person she was really good friends with. People have stuck with me through my darkest times, which I am so lucky to have had, but it seems like when things finally let up a bit, its too late. Damage is done and they are ready to walk away. It really sucks and I wish I never did any of it. I wish I could take it all back. I've been learning to control this better through therapy. I'm learning coping techniques to try and catch myself before I say anything too damaging. Now I just have to wait and see if those friends I've pushed away in my most recent episodes decide to come back.

So I went to therapy today and it was the first time T has seen me as just me. Not depressed. Not manic. Not anything, but just me. She was very pleased at where I'm at and so am I. She gave me more samples of Abilify since I can't afford it. She is fantastic. We went over my list of 100 things that make me unique and she loved it. We discussed how its much easier to recognize all the good things I have when I'm just me and feel like I'm in my own skin. The past week has shown me that this whole bipolar thing is manageable when you find the right meds and coping skills. It gives me hope of a normal life again. A life that I thought I'd lost to depression.

She was even more thrilled with me when I told her how I was using my coping skills and recognizing the warning signs of me shifting into a mood or blowing up at someone. I told her how I blew up at my mom a few times, but more than that, I was able to productively tell my mom when things weren't helping and when she was really starting to get to me and set me off. T loved that I was able to do that and says she expects that there will be some slipups every now and then. Its natural to screw up. I just need to learn from it and try better next time. All in all a great session today and still stable :)

I find it amazing how life can change instantaneously, especially for someone living with bipolar disorder. Things change all the time in every day life. The weather shifts from rain to sun, you make a wrong turn and end up lost, or you get a phone call about something happening to someone. All of these things have an impact in your life, but what if something as simple as a specific word or a situation threw you way off balance? How would you feel if something so simple changed your mood or life so drastically? You probably wouldn't like it and you might constantly worry about how certain situations will affect your life. Well that's kinda how I would explain bipolar disorder.

I've mentioned in the past few posts that I feel like myself again and pretty stable and I still do. However, today I realized that even if I am myself and stable, I will never be completely stable. There are still things that set me off in an instance. And yes I can gain control back, but even those few seconds of loss of control can change how my day, week, or even possibly my life will end up.

I snapped at my mom today. Now she should kinda be used to it by now because it happened daily for years before I learned to have some control. However, I never believe it is fair to her or anyone else to just expect that. My family and friends deserve better and I'm trying to be better. I haven't snapped at anyone in over a week which is a great accomplishment for me. However, today I snapped. I have come to realize that there are certain things that set me off without me even realizing it. Words come out of my mouth in anger before I can even comprehend what is happening. I feel like that's hard to believe, but the guilt that ensues after the words come out tells me I had no chance of stopping it. Today I snapped at my mom for bitching me out about doing something when it was already done. Now I should have been able to just say its already done, but instead I immediately started yelling at her about it. I didn't realize it until about halfway through and I apologized, but the damage was done. She was pissed and I got chewed out by my dad for talking to my mom that way. Seems trivial, but it was bad and I felt horrible. I should be able to control stuff like that, but unfortunately I can't. Unfortunately, I sometimes lose control because of the bipolar. No matter how hard I try, I seem to slip up sooner or later. Its not a fun game to play, but I guess its my reality these days.

I'm exhausted! I haven't slept well in a few nights and I'm just barely functioning. I feel like I could lay down anywhere and pass out for awhile, but I know I won't sleep for very long, if at all. I think this has to do with the meds though. I know one of the side effects is insomnia so I'm just hoping it stops soon.

 I went and visited my grandma in the hospital last night. We took my grandpa back to see her after dinner and got a chance to sit and talk with her. I had chills walking through the hospital and I'm completely shocked it didn't set me off. I really hate the hospital near my house. Too many bad memories that I will never forget. It just really creeps me out and makes me really uneasy which would normally send me into some state, but it didn't, which tells me the meds are really working. I'm happy about that. They are keeping grandma one more day, just to make sure she's good to go.

Other than that I don't really have much to report. Doing well and happy about it :)

So I think I mentioned a while ago that my meds changed again. I got bumped up to 200mg of Lamictal and 5mg of Abilify. Apparently I was in a hypomanic state when I bumped up the meds and ended up in a severely depressed state for 24 hours. I have a history of ending up in a depressed state for a few days each time my meds are bumped. This time it only lasted a day and I snapped out of it. Normally it would just snap me into a less severe depression, where I would still feel like all this weight was on me and like the world could come crashing down at any moment. But this time I snapped out of it and was me again. Just plain me! I completely forgot what it felt like to just be me! It has been so long since I've been me and happy and it was just a shock, but also this amazing feeling that at some point I gained a little control over this. I've been in therapy for six months now and I haven't felt like myself in over a year. That's such a long time, but I'm so happy to be back. My friends have even noticed that I'm more like myself. My one friend said it was nice to feel like shes talking to her best friend again. That made me really happy :)

I'm so much myself that everything going on around me hasn't thrown me into mania or depression. I told my parents about being bipolar which threw me into a panic, but that's about it. My grandma ended up in the hospital with a perferated ulcer and something like that would normally throw me into some kind of state, but nothing happened. She's doing much better btw. I've hung out with people and joked around with people like I haven't been able to do in what felt like forever. Thank God for meds!

I am still not sleeping at this point, but I have a lot on my mind. My one really good friend still isn't talking to me and isn't even giving me a chance. I feel completely abandoned at this point and yet part of me is still trying to hold on. I've tried to talk to her, but she still wants space so idk what to do at this point. I don't do well with feeling abandoned though. I'm also trying to decide whether to go back to grad school or not. I found a masters program close to home that I stand a chance of getting into, but I need to take the GMAT which takes a few weeks to get registered and the application deadline for the masters program is July 10th. I don't think I'll be enrolling in the fall but hopefully the spring. The major issue with all of this is money, but that's an issue for everyone. I'll figure something out. Right now I'm just glad to be me and I wish my friend would give me a chance.