So I’ve been feeling really guilty about stuff lately. My T says I’m not supposed to feel guilty over as much as I do and that I’m not supposed to apologize cuz I usually do even when I’ve done nothing wrong. Its all part of the guilt thing that goes along with my bipolar. We have worked on in the past me stopping and recognizing what I’m apologizing for and why. Lately I’ve felt guilty for not telling my parents about the whole bipolar thing yet. I tried to ask two friends about it and one didn’t even respond, but I expected that cuz I screwed things up there (feel incredibly guilty about that) and the other friend yelled at me to tell them. But I took my one friends advice and told them last night. Or at least I told my mom, so I'm still kinda proud of myself for finally biting the bullet and telling them.

My T and I also discussed last session how I’m pushing people away and not listening to people by saying “I know, but” or “yes, but.” I tend to do that a lot and I never realized how much of a slap in the face it can be to people when I make excuses after the “but.” I don’t mean to and I was never consciously aware of it until she pointed it out to me. I caught myself doing it with a friend today and apologized right away from it.

I’m really trying to learn how to control all of this. Its difficult for me to figure that out cuz I don’t realize everything I do. I usually don’t see what I do until someone points it out and whenever I go into my dark place I do everything, but ten times worse and I don’t realize it at all. Half the time I don’t realize anything when I go into a panic or really depressed state. Its hard to comprehend that, but its really important for people to understand that.