Thursday, May 31, 2012
PANIC MODE: Right now I'm like borderline in panic mode. I told my mom about the bipolar tonight which kinda set me off and then I found out that my grandma was admitted to the hospital which just furthered the panic. Basically panic mode means fight or flight. I tend to fight, but right now I just want to hide. What happens is that I get all worked up. My body gets really anxious, tense, feel like I'm gonna pass out, and feel like I have all this energy and can't do anything with it. T and I have worked on some coping mechanisms for it. She had me create a list of coping skills to use whenever I found myself starting to enter into panic mode. We want to head it off because I usually become irrational and manipulative, which pushes people away further. Some coping skill we talked about were: working out, talking to a friend, taking a shower or nap, reading, working on something (such as this) to distract myself, journaling, watch tv, or having a cup of tea or something. My one friend has really helped me right now by simply talking to me and distracting me. Its really calmed me down in a short amount of time. I'm still very energized and should go workout, but I've already worked out and gone for a bike ride. I'm exhausted, but have energy if that makes any sense. Hopefully I'll calm down soon.
I said that yesterday my T challenged me to come up with 100 things that make me unique. Well I figured I'd share a few:
1 - very compassionate
2 - loyal
3 - colorblind
4 - been skydiving 15000 ft over Hawaii
5 - volunteer a lot
6 - trustworthy
7 - not very trusting of other people
8 - hard working/motivated
9 - responsible
10 - dedicated
I was thinking about why she was making me do this. It wasn't that hard to do until I reached about 70 and then I was coming up with some very random things about myself. I think T wanted me to see that I am unique and a good person, even though I don't usually feel like that. She says I'm way too hard on myself and I put too much pressure on myself as well as other people put too much pressure on me. I just want to do stuff right and I usually feel like a failure and no one likes me, but T is trying to help me get out of that dark place and realize I have all these qualities that make people like me.
Lately I've been really worried about being able to manage this whole bipolar thing. At times it honestly feels like everything is out of my control and that's usually when I screw things up. T has been helping me with coping mechanisms and told me this is completely manageable with the right meds, coping skills, and self care. Oh self care is a big topic of discussion these days. I have a history of self injury (SI). I usually hit myself when I get really frustrated and have also hit other things, cut myself, and once burnt myself just to escape the emotional pain. That's a hard concept to understand if you have never been in the shoes of someone who has so much emotional pain going on that they can't escape. SI is like an outlet that gives immediate relief and gives you physical pain to focus on. However, it is not a long term solution and I have gone almost 2 weeks without doing it. T wants me to work on self care so as a start I have been working out almost every day and try to get a decent amount of sleep. I've also been doing more stuff that makes me happy, such as hanging out with friends and volunteering. I never understood the concept of self care before starting therapy, but its a really important aspect of life.
1 - very compassionate
2 - loyal
3 - colorblind
4 - been skydiving 15000 ft over Hawaii
5 - volunteer a lot
6 - trustworthy
7 - not very trusting of other people
8 - hard working/motivated
9 - responsible
10 - dedicated
I was thinking about why she was making me do this. It wasn't that hard to do until I reached about 70 and then I was coming up with some very random things about myself. I think T wanted me to see that I am unique and a good person, even though I don't usually feel like that. She says I'm way too hard on myself and I put too much pressure on myself as well as other people put too much pressure on me. I just want to do stuff right and I usually feel like a failure and no one likes me, but T is trying to help me get out of that dark place and realize I have all these qualities that make people like me.
Lately I've been really worried about being able to manage this whole bipolar thing. At times it honestly feels like everything is out of my control and that's usually when I screw things up. T has been helping me with coping mechanisms and told me this is completely manageable with the right meds, coping skills, and self care. Oh self care is a big topic of discussion these days. I have a history of self injury (SI). I usually hit myself when I get really frustrated and have also hit other things, cut myself, and once burnt myself just to escape the emotional pain. That's a hard concept to understand if you have never been in the shoes of someone who has so much emotional pain going on that they can't escape. SI is like an outlet that gives immediate relief and gives you physical pain to focus on. However, it is not a long term solution and I have gone almost 2 weeks without doing it. T wants me to work on self care so as a start I have been working out almost every day and try to get a decent amount of sleep. I've also been doing more stuff that makes me happy, such as hanging out with friends and volunteering. I never understood the concept of self care before starting therapy, but its a really important aspect of life.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I went and saw my T today and had a really good session. I told her what has gone on the past few days. The fact that I wasn't sleeping. The fact that now I'm good and am sleeping a normal amount. The fact that I saw my ex-best friend who is now maybe a friend again (something which took me like 9 months to get over) I don't know if she was too thrilled about me seeing this girl again. The story behind this is that my best friend (lets call her A) stuck with me through senior year of college. She stuck with me through my highs and lows and through all the shit I pulled before realizing I was out of control and sought help. We were destined to be best friends and everyone referred to us as pooh bear and piglet (if you know whinnie the pooh you know how close he and piglet were). Well last labor day I still hadn't sought help and I became very suicidal. I said goodbye to A and then quit responding. She freaked out cuz she was five hours away and couldn't do anything about it. Since then she has disappeared countless times throwing me on an emotional rollercoaster that I was not equipped to handle. My T and I have worked through that and I have been doing very well, but it was a long healing process. So we talked about the effect seeing A had on me this time, which surprisingly it didn't have any. I enjoyed seeing her, but it meant nothing.
We also talked about how I tend to communicate better through writing. Hence this blog now. It helps me get my thoughts down. She said when I first came to therapy she know I was devoted to seeking help cuz I kept coming back and I was trying, but yet something was missing for her to understand me better. When I was having a really hard time, she told me to email her daily whatever was on my mind. Since then we have kept that channel of communication open because she said that was the missing piece. She can now see that I take time to process things and like to write them down. She says my emails really help her understand me and see that I really am listening to her and trying what she tells me.
Today she also made me list 10 things I like about myself cuz I'm really hard on myself and she wants me to see that there are traits that I have that attract people and make people want to be around me. She says I get stuck in this dark hole sometimes and I don't think anyone likes me and I think I'm a huge failure and she wants me to see that I'm not and that people do like me, but maybe not when I'm in that dark place. She has challenged me to come up with 100 things that make me unique. I had a hard time coming up with 10 things I liked about myself so this is gonna be a challenge. I'll share some over the next few days.
We also talked about how there was a period of 5 days where I got 4 or less hours of sleep and was perfectly fine, but was really irritable. T explained that I was probably manic. I told her I wasn't in a really good mood though which was my understanding of what mania entailed. T then explained the one sure sign of mania is insomnia and being fine the next day. She said that irritability also goes with mania as well as depression, so she believes I cycled through mania then crashed on Saturday with depression and now I'm normal again. Its really confusing and frustrating if you ask me.
Finally we talked more about my communication skills with my friends. She explained yet again that my friends aren't trained to understand what goes on in my mind, so when I'm constantly switching its really hard for them to want to be around me since I'm not the person they were friends with. She said that whenever I'm in the dark place, I need to communicated with my friends and explain to them what is going on with me. She said that's going to be really hard to do but if I don't start explaining stuff I'm going to push people away even more. I thought this was a good insight. We talked about coping skills to try and help me get out of that dark place. T told me some of her coping skills to help her when she is sad. I told her that it seems like the same list I use whenever I feel like I'm going into a state of panic. My coping skills include: working out, playing with my cats or neighbors dogs, reading, going on support sights, calling a friend, cleaning my closet, having a cup of tea, working on anything that will keep me focused, or simply taking a nap. I usually try these coping skills to prevent myself from lashing out to others.
It was a really good therapy session today and I'm really learning a lot of skills to help me keep myself under control :)
We also talked about how I tend to communicate better through writing. Hence this blog now. It helps me get my thoughts down. She said when I first came to therapy she know I was devoted to seeking help cuz I kept coming back and I was trying, but yet something was missing for her to understand me better. When I was having a really hard time, she told me to email her daily whatever was on my mind. Since then we have kept that channel of communication open because she said that was the missing piece. She can now see that I take time to process things and like to write them down. She says my emails really help her understand me and see that I really am listening to her and trying what she tells me.
Today she also made me list 10 things I like about myself cuz I'm really hard on myself and she wants me to see that there are traits that I have that attract people and make people want to be around me. She says I get stuck in this dark hole sometimes and I don't think anyone likes me and I think I'm a huge failure and she wants me to see that I'm not and that people do like me, but maybe not when I'm in that dark place. She has challenged me to come up with 100 things that make me unique. I had a hard time coming up with 10 things I liked about myself so this is gonna be a challenge. I'll share some over the next few days.
We also talked about how there was a period of 5 days where I got 4 or less hours of sleep and was perfectly fine, but was really irritable. T explained that I was probably manic. I told her I wasn't in a really good mood though which was my understanding of what mania entailed. T then explained the one sure sign of mania is insomnia and being fine the next day. She said that irritability also goes with mania as well as depression, so she believes I cycled through mania then crashed on Saturday with depression and now I'm normal again. Its really confusing and frustrating if you ask me.
Finally we talked more about my communication skills with my friends. She explained yet again that my friends aren't trained to understand what goes on in my mind, so when I'm constantly switching its really hard for them to want to be around me since I'm not the person they were friends with. She said that whenever I'm in the dark place, I need to communicated with my friends and explain to them what is going on with me. She said that's going to be really hard to do but if I don't start explaining stuff I'm going to push people away even more. I thought this was a good insight. We talked about coping skills to try and help me get out of that dark place. T told me some of her coping skills to help her when she is sad. I told her that it seems like the same list I use whenever I feel like I'm going into a state of panic. My coping skills include: working out, playing with my cats or neighbors dogs, reading, going on support sights, calling a friend, cleaning my closet, having a cup of tea, working on anything that will keep me focused, or simply taking a nap. I usually try these coping skills to prevent myself from lashing out to others.
It was a really good therapy session today and I'm really learning a lot of skills to help me keep myself under control :)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
I haven't written in a few days cuz I've been pretty busy. I have found from experience that I'm a lot better off if I stay busy. I tend not to be as depressed and not snap at people as often. I think its cuz I don't give myself time to be stuck in my head and start thinking about stuff and I don't feel so lonely.
What I've found since this whole bipolar thing started is that I've kinda gone into a shell again. I used to be very outgoing and at times I still am, but most of the time I'm quiet now. I find myself feeling lonely even when I'm around people and I usually feel like no one cares. Those feelings get really bad whenever I go through a depressive phase which for me is most of the time.
A few therapy sessions ago I was having a really hard time with stuff and I was on a huge emotional roller coaster. It was so destructive and tiring that my T pulled the pdoc in and he talked to me and bumped up my medication. I have finally reached my full medication and feel great. I'm stable right now and loving it. I'm finally out of my depression. I got bumped to 200 mg of Lamictal and 5 mg of Abilify. Let me tell you that Abilify is expensive. I can't afford it so luckily my docs hooked me up with some samples for now.
Since upping my meds and becoming more stable and not depressed I've found that I've been sleeping a lot better. Normally I would wake up about 5-8 times a night and feel wide awake, but force myself to go back to sleep. Now I only wake up 1-2 times a night. Although when I bumped my meds I slept between 1-4 hrs for about 3 nights and I was still wide awake during the day. I once went for 2 weeks with 2-3 hrs of sleep a night. It was ridiculous, but luckily now I am sleeping much better :)
What I've found since this whole bipolar thing started is that I've kinda gone into a shell again. I used to be very outgoing and at times I still am, but most of the time I'm quiet now. I find myself feeling lonely even when I'm around people and I usually feel like no one cares. Those feelings get really bad whenever I go through a depressive phase which for me is most of the time.
A few therapy sessions ago I was having a really hard time with stuff and I was on a huge emotional roller coaster. It was so destructive and tiring that my T pulled the pdoc in and he talked to me and bumped up my medication. I have finally reached my full medication and feel great. I'm stable right now and loving it. I'm finally out of my depression. I got bumped to 200 mg of Lamictal and 5 mg of Abilify. Let me tell you that Abilify is expensive. I can't afford it so luckily my docs hooked me up with some samples for now.
Since upping my meds and becoming more stable and not depressed I've found that I've been sleeping a lot better. Normally I would wake up about 5-8 times a night and feel wide awake, but force myself to go back to sleep. Now I only wake up 1-2 times a night. Although when I bumped my meds I slept between 1-4 hrs for about 3 nights and I was still wide awake during the day. I once went for 2 weeks with 2-3 hrs of sleep a night. It was ridiculous, but luckily now I am sleeping much better :)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I kinda just started this as a test and as a journal. I don't expect anyone to read this, but if you do then great. Its more for me than anyone else.
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about six months ago. I've apparently been living with it for about two years now.It was a tough thing to accept at first but now I see how much sense it makes. Things seem to be falling into place now that I better understand why things happen, but at the same time I don't understand any of it. All I know now is that it has a name. I had become very irrational at the time I originally sought treatment. I was extremely depressed and was originally treated for that. Once I switched into a state of hypomania, they knew they had the wrong diagnosis.
My mood is constantly changing, but I'm usually on the depressed side. I will go from being perfectly fine to having the hardest time just getting through my day. Its really tiring and frustrating, but its my life now. If you have or know someone with bipolar cut yourself or your friend some slack. They could probably really use it. I'm not sure about other people with bipolar, but I know I feel extremely guilty for everything I do. When I screw up its almost like the end of the world to me.
Recently I screwed up with a really good friend. I've been having so much trouble lately that I never realized how much of my burden I was putting on her. Once she pointed it out to me it was too late. She needs space now and I'm trying as best I can not to slip into a serious depression. I feel like if I let my guard down for even a second I'm just going to lose it and slip down the dark path yet again. I've been having a really good couple days, but I think its starting to fade and I just really want my friend around. I miss her, but I'm trying to be strong and not a big baby lol.
I was really excited yesterday cuz I saw my best friend, who I haven't seen or talked to in awhile because I screwed things up with her as well. She threw me on a crazy roller coaster that lasted about 9 months before I finally got over it enough to function. Now I'm diving back in with her and trying to form a friendship, but none of my friends at home know because they all hate this girl for what she did to me. I had a fantastic day with her and my mom though on Friday. She's my best friend and basically my sister, so it was nice to act like that again and catch up.
Tomorrow I get to go hang out with people and go on a pub crawl. I'm freaking excited. Something to look forward to, so I don't slip into depression again. I'm just trying to stay busy and hang out with people these days.
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about six months ago. I've apparently been living with it for about two years now.It was a tough thing to accept at first but now I see how much sense it makes. Things seem to be falling into place now that I better understand why things happen, but at the same time I don't understand any of it. All I know now is that it has a name. I had become very irrational at the time I originally sought treatment. I was extremely depressed and was originally treated for that. Once I switched into a state of hypomania, they knew they had the wrong diagnosis.
My mood is constantly changing, but I'm usually on the depressed side. I will go from being perfectly fine to having the hardest time just getting through my day. Its really tiring and frustrating, but its my life now. If you have or know someone with bipolar cut yourself or your friend some slack. They could probably really use it. I'm not sure about other people with bipolar, but I know I feel extremely guilty for everything I do. When I screw up its almost like the end of the world to me.
Recently I screwed up with a really good friend. I've been having so much trouble lately that I never realized how much of my burden I was putting on her. Once she pointed it out to me it was too late. She needs space now and I'm trying as best I can not to slip into a serious depression. I feel like if I let my guard down for even a second I'm just going to lose it and slip down the dark path yet again. I've been having a really good couple days, but I think its starting to fade and I just really want my friend around. I miss her, but I'm trying to be strong and not a big baby lol.
I was really excited yesterday cuz I saw my best friend, who I haven't seen or talked to in awhile because I screwed things up with her as well. She threw me on a crazy roller coaster that lasted about 9 months before I finally got over it enough to function. Now I'm diving back in with her and trying to form a friendship, but none of my friends at home know because they all hate this girl for what she did to me. I had a fantastic day with her and my mom though on Friday. She's my best friend and basically my sister, so it was nice to act like that again and catch up.
Tomorrow I get to go hang out with people and go on a pub crawl. I'm freaking excited. Something to look forward to, so I don't slip into depression again. I'm just trying to stay busy and hang out with people these days.
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