So I've kinda been gone for a fe days cuz I fell into a pretty decent depression. I'm sorta coming out of it or at least starting to cope with it a lot better. It sort of comes and goes in severity. At some points I can't even get out of bed without a huge internal struggle, but at other points I can function and just feel like I am going to cry at the drop of a hat. Its kinda weird to think about, but I should be used to it by now. I'll try and post more these days, but I haven't really had much to say.

The past few days I've been kinda sad about some stuff esp the whole losing a good friend thing, so I started wondering if I was falling into a depression or just sad. So I decided to figure out the differences between sadness and depression.

I know that sadness is a symptom of depression and that depression lasts more than just a few days, but what about people with rapid cycling bipolar, like myself. My mood changes constantly and my depressions can last anywhere from a few days to a month+, so what are the other signs of depression. Some symptoms of depression include:

     loss of sleep
     suicidal thoughts
     feelings of guilt
     changes in weight or appetite
     feeling hopeless
     feeling anxious
     decreased energy
     loss of interest
     inability to concentrate
     sadness

For me, I could probably check off at least 3 of these on a daily basis, even when I know I'm not depressed. I feel guilty all the time over stuff, I don't sleep, and I have trouble focusing on stuff for very long. I've also been losing weight recently and my interests have changed. I have signs of depression, and I feel sad, but even when I don't feel sad I still have the other signs. So am I constantly stuck in a depression and just perk up sometimes?

On the other hand, sadness is an everyday emotion that everyone experiences. It doesn't last as long as depression and usually accompanies a loss. Sadness also doesn't affect your everyday life.

Even though I can easily say that I have symptoms of depression, it isn't affecting how I am able to function day by day. I know that when I get depressed, it gets really hard to even want to do the simplest things in life. I have to force myself to get up and go to work, or help around the house. Its difficult.Therefore, I've figured out I'm just sad and not depressed. I am so lucky right now not to be going through everything I've been struggling with the past few years.

Depression and bipolar disorder are no joke. Both are difficult to handle almost every day. They change the way you think and that doesn't always make sense to people that haven't experienced it. Listen and try to be supportive. Those people in your life that are struggling through these illnesses will be so appreciative even if they can't express that appreciation to you at this moment.

Everyone keeps telling me that a major symptom of BP is pushing people away. It seems like a lot of people with bipolar disorder tend to push their friends and family away. I have also experienced this full blown in the past two years. Its not in my nature to push people away, at least not when I'm "me." However, the past two years, I haven't really been me for more than a few blips here and there. I've been depressed, irritable, angry, you name it.... but I haven't been my normal self. I pushed a lot of people away. It started with my parents, then a guy, then my best friend, and more recently some friends from home.

I know I tend to reach out to people, especially when I'm feeling desperate, but then I don't take their advice and fight back at them, thus pushing them away. I tended to lash out at people and make things all about me, which pushes people away. My true friends have come back. Its taken a bit for some of them to come back, but eventually they did. Right now I pushed a really good friend away by making everything about me and fighting her whenever she tried to help me. Idk what to do at this point cuz she won't really talk to me about fixing it. She won't give me a chance to show her I'm just me again. The person she was really good friends with. People have stuck with me through my darkest times, which I am so lucky to have had, but it seems like when things finally let up a bit, its too late. Damage is done and they are ready to walk away. It really sucks and I wish I never did any of it. I wish I could take it all back. I've been learning to control this better through therapy. I'm learning coping techniques to try and catch myself before I say anything too damaging. Now I just have to wait and see if those friends I've pushed away in my most recent episodes decide to come back.

So I went to therapy today and it was the first time T has seen me as just me. Not depressed. Not manic. Not anything, but just me. She was very pleased at where I'm at and so am I. She gave me more samples of Abilify since I can't afford it. She is fantastic. We went over my list of 100 things that make me unique and she loved it. We discussed how its much easier to recognize all the good things I have when I'm just me and feel like I'm in my own skin. The past week has shown me that this whole bipolar thing is manageable when you find the right meds and coping skills. It gives me hope of a normal life again. A life that I thought I'd lost to depression.

She was even more thrilled with me when I told her how I was using my coping skills and recognizing the warning signs of me shifting into a mood or blowing up at someone. I told her how I blew up at my mom a few times, but more than that, I was able to productively tell my mom when things weren't helping and when she was really starting to get to me and set me off. T loved that I was able to do that and says she expects that there will be some slipups every now and then. Its natural to screw up. I just need to learn from it and try better next time. All in all a great session today and still stable :)

I find it amazing how life can change instantaneously, especially for someone living with bipolar disorder. Things change all the time in every day life. The weather shifts from rain to sun, you make a wrong turn and end up lost, or you get a phone call about something happening to someone. All of these things have an impact in your life, but what if something as simple as a specific word or a situation threw you way off balance? How would you feel if something so simple changed your mood or life so drastically? You probably wouldn't like it and you might constantly worry about how certain situations will affect your life. Well that's kinda how I would explain bipolar disorder.

I've mentioned in the past few posts that I feel like myself again and pretty stable and I still do. However, today I realized that even if I am myself and stable, I will never be completely stable. There are still things that set me off in an instance. And yes I can gain control back, but even those few seconds of loss of control can change how my day, week, or even possibly my life will end up.

I snapped at my mom today. Now she should kinda be used to it by now because it happened daily for years before I learned to have some control. However, I never believe it is fair to her or anyone else to just expect that. My family and friends deserve better and I'm trying to be better. I haven't snapped at anyone in over a week which is a great accomplishment for me. However, today I snapped. I have come to realize that there are certain things that set me off without me even realizing it. Words come out of my mouth in anger before I can even comprehend what is happening. I feel like that's hard to believe, but the guilt that ensues after the words come out tells me I had no chance of stopping it. Today I snapped at my mom for bitching me out about doing something when it was already done. Now I should have been able to just say its already done, but instead I immediately started yelling at her about it. I didn't realize it until about halfway through and I apologized, but the damage was done. She was pissed and I got chewed out by my dad for talking to my mom that way. Seems trivial, but it was bad and I felt horrible. I should be able to control stuff like that, but unfortunately I can't. Unfortunately, I sometimes lose control because of the bipolar. No matter how hard I try, I seem to slip up sooner or later. Its not a fun game to play, but I guess its my reality these days.

I'm exhausted! I haven't slept well in a few nights and I'm just barely functioning. I feel like I could lay down anywhere and pass out for awhile, but I know I won't sleep for very long, if at all. I think this has to do with the meds though. I know one of the side effects is insomnia so I'm just hoping it stops soon.

 I went and visited my grandma in the hospital last night. We took my grandpa back to see her after dinner and got a chance to sit and talk with her. I had chills walking through the hospital and I'm completely shocked it didn't set me off. I really hate the hospital near my house. Too many bad memories that I will never forget. It just really creeps me out and makes me really uneasy which would normally send me into some state, but it didn't, which tells me the meds are really working. I'm happy about that. They are keeping grandma one more day, just to make sure she's good to go.

Other than that I don't really have much to report. Doing well and happy about it :)

So I think I mentioned a while ago that my meds changed again. I got bumped up to 200mg of Lamictal and 5mg of Abilify. Apparently I was in a hypomanic state when I bumped up the meds and ended up in a severely depressed state for 24 hours. I have a history of ending up in a depressed state for a few days each time my meds are bumped. This time it only lasted a day and I snapped out of it. Normally it would just snap me into a less severe depression, where I would still feel like all this weight was on me and like the world could come crashing down at any moment. But this time I snapped out of it and was me again. Just plain me! I completely forgot what it felt like to just be me! It has been so long since I've been me and happy and it was just a shock, but also this amazing feeling that at some point I gained a little control over this. I've been in therapy for six months now and I haven't felt like myself in over a year. That's such a long time, but I'm so happy to be back. My friends have even noticed that I'm more like myself. My one friend said it was nice to feel like shes talking to her best friend again. That made me really happy :)

I'm so much myself that everything going on around me hasn't thrown me into mania or depression. I told my parents about being bipolar which threw me into a panic, but that's about it. My grandma ended up in the hospital with a perferated ulcer and something like that would normally throw me into some kind of state, but nothing happened. She's doing much better btw. I've hung out with people and joked around with people like I haven't been able to do in what felt like forever. Thank God for meds!

I am still not sleeping at this point, but I have a lot on my mind. My one really good friend still isn't talking to me and isn't even giving me a chance. I feel completely abandoned at this point and yet part of me is still trying to hold on. I've tried to talk to her, but she still wants space so idk what to do at this point. I don't do well with feeling abandoned though. I'm also trying to decide whether to go back to grad school or not. I found a masters program close to home that I stand a chance of getting into, but I need to take the GMAT which takes a few weeks to get registered and the application deadline for the masters program is July 10th. I don't think I'll be enrolling in the fall but hopefully the spring. The major issue with all of this is money, but that's an issue for everyone. I'll figure something out. Right now I'm just glad to be me and I wish my friend would give me a chance.

So I’ve been feeling really guilty about stuff lately. My T says I’m not supposed to feel guilty over as much as I do and that I’m not supposed to apologize cuz I usually do even when I’ve done nothing wrong. Its all part of the guilt thing that goes along with my bipolar. We have worked on in the past me stopping and recognizing what I’m apologizing for and why. Lately I’ve felt guilty for not telling my parents about the whole bipolar thing yet. I tried to ask two friends about it and one didn’t even respond, but I expected that cuz I screwed things up there (feel incredibly guilty about that) and the other friend yelled at me to tell them. But I took my one friends advice and told them last night. Or at least I told my mom, so I'm still kinda proud of myself for finally biting the bullet and telling them.

My T and I also discussed last session how I’m pushing people away and not listening to people by saying “I know, but” or “yes, but.” I tend to do that a lot and I never realized how much of a slap in the face it can be to people when I make excuses after the “but.” I don’t mean to and I was never consciously aware of it until she pointed it out to me. I caught myself doing it with a friend today and apologized right away from it.

I’m really trying to learn how to control all of this. Its difficult for me to figure that out cuz I don’t realize everything I do. I usually don’t see what I do until someone points it out and whenever I go into my dark place I do everything, but ten times worse and I don’t realize it at all. Half the time I don’t realize anything when I go into a panic or really depressed state. Its hard to comprehend that, but its really important for people to understand that.

PANIC MODE: Right now I'm like borderline in panic mode. I told my mom about the bipolar tonight which kinda set me off and then I found out that my grandma was admitted to the hospital which just furthered the panic. Basically panic mode means fight or flight. I tend to fight, but right now I just want to hide. What happens is that I get all worked up. My body gets really anxious, tense, feel like I'm gonna pass out, and feel like I have all this energy and can't do anything with it. T and I have worked on some coping mechanisms for it. She had me create a list of coping skills to use whenever I found myself starting to enter into panic mode. We want to head it off because I usually become irrational and manipulative, which pushes people away further. Some coping skill we talked about were: working out, talking to a friend, taking a shower or nap, reading, working on something (such as this) to distract myself, journaling, watch tv, or having a cup of tea or something. My one friend has really helped me right now by simply talking to me and distracting me. Its really calmed me down in a short amount of time. I'm still very energized and should go workout, but I've already worked out and gone for a bike ride. I'm exhausted, but have energy if that makes any sense. Hopefully I'll calm down soon.

I said that yesterday my T challenged me to come up with 100 things that make me unique. Well I figured I'd share a few:

1 - very compassionate
2 - loyal
3 - colorblind
4 - been skydiving 15000 ft over Hawaii
5 - volunteer a lot
6 - trustworthy
7 - not very trusting of other people
8 - hard working/motivated
9 - responsible
10 - dedicated

I was thinking about why she was making me do this. It wasn't that hard to do until I reached about 70 and then I was coming up with some very random things about myself. I think T wanted me to see that I am unique and a good person, even though I don't usually feel like that. She says I'm way too hard on myself and I put too much pressure on myself as well as other people put too much pressure on me. I just want to do stuff right and I usually feel like a failure and no one likes me, but T is trying to help me get out of that dark place and realize I have all these qualities that make people like me.

Lately I've been really worried about being able to manage this whole bipolar thing. At times it honestly feels like everything is out of my control and that's usually when I screw things up. T has been helping me with coping mechanisms and told me this is completely manageable with the right meds, coping skills, and self care. Oh self care is a big topic of discussion these days. I have a history of self injury (SI). I usually hit myself when I get really frustrated and have also hit other things, cut myself, and once burnt myself just to escape the emotional pain. That's a hard concept to understand if you have never been in the shoes of someone who has so much emotional pain going on that they can't escape. SI is like an outlet that gives immediate relief and gives you physical pain to focus on. However, it is not a long term solution and I have gone almost 2 weeks without doing it. T wants me to work on self care so as a start I have been working out almost every day and try to get a decent amount of sleep. I've also been doing more stuff that makes me happy, such as hanging out with friends and volunteering. I never understood the concept of self care before starting therapy, but its a really important aspect of life.

I went and saw my T today and had a really good session. I told her what has gone on the past few days. The fact that I wasn't sleeping. The fact that now I'm good and am sleeping a normal amount. The fact that I saw my ex-best friend who is now maybe a friend again (something which took me like 9 months to get over) I don't know if she was too thrilled about me seeing this girl again. The story behind this is that my best friend (lets call her A) stuck with me through senior year of college. She stuck with me through my highs and lows and through all the shit I pulled before realizing I was out of control and sought help. We were destined to be best friends and everyone referred to us as pooh bear and piglet (if you know whinnie the pooh you know how close he and piglet were). Well last labor day I still hadn't sought help and I became very suicidal. I said goodbye to A and then quit responding. She freaked out cuz she was five hours away and couldn't do anything about it. Since then she has disappeared countless times throwing me on an emotional rollercoaster that I was not equipped to handle. My T and I have worked through that and I have been doing very well, but it was a long healing process. So we talked about the effect seeing A had on me this time, which surprisingly it didn't have any. I enjoyed seeing her, but it meant nothing.

We also talked about how I tend to communicate better through writing. Hence this blog now. It helps me get my thoughts down. She said when I first came to therapy she know I was devoted to seeking help cuz I kept coming back and I was trying, but yet something was missing for her to understand me better. When I was having a really hard time, she told me to email her daily whatever was on my mind. Since then we have kept that channel of communication open because she said that was the missing piece. She can now see that I take time to process things and like to write them down. She says my emails really help her understand me and see that I really am listening to her and trying what she tells me.

Today she also made me list 10 things I like about myself cuz I'm really hard on myself and she wants me to see that there are traits that I have that attract people and make people want to be around me. She says I get stuck in this dark hole sometimes and I don't think anyone likes me and I think I'm a huge failure and she wants me to see that I'm not and that people do like me, but maybe not when I'm in that dark place. She has challenged me to come up with 100 things that make me unique. I had a hard time coming up with 10 things I liked about myself so this is gonna be a challenge. I'll share some over the next few days.

We also talked about how there was a period of 5 days where I got 4 or less hours of sleep and was perfectly fine, but was really irritable. T explained that I was probably manic. I told her I wasn't in a really good mood though which was my understanding of what mania entailed. T then explained the one sure sign of mania is insomnia and being fine the next day. She said that irritability also goes with mania as well as depression, so she believes I cycled through mania then crashed on Saturday with depression and now I'm normal again. Its really confusing and frustrating if you ask me.

Finally we talked more about my communication skills with my friends. She explained yet again that my friends aren't trained to understand what goes on in my mind, so when I'm constantly switching its really hard for them to want to be around me since I'm not the person they were friends with. She said that whenever I'm in the dark place, I need to communicated with my friends and explain to them what is going on with me. She said that's going to be really hard to do but if I don't start explaining stuff I'm going to push people away even more. I thought this was a good insight. We talked about coping skills to try and help me get out of that dark place. T told me some of her coping skills to help her when she is sad. I told her that it seems like the same list I use whenever I feel like I'm going into a state of panic. My coping skills include: working out, playing with my cats or neighbors dogs, reading, going on support sights, calling a friend, cleaning my closet, having a cup of tea, working on anything that will keep me focused, or simply taking a nap. I usually try these coping skills to prevent myself from lashing out to others.

It was a really good therapy session today and I'm really learning a lot of skills to help me keep myself under control :)

I haven't written in a few days cuz I've been pretty busy. I have found from experience that I'm a lot better off if I stay busy. I tend not to be as depressed and not snap at people as often. I think its cuz I don't give myself time to be stuck in my head and start thinking about stuff and I don't feel so lonely.

What I've found since this whole bipolar thing started is that I've kinda gone into a shell again. I used to be very outgoing and at times I still am, but most of the time I'm quiet now. I find myself feeling lonely even when I'm around people and I usually feel like no one cares. Those feelings get really bad whenever I go through a depressive phase which for me is most of the time.

A few therapy sessions ago I was having a really hard time with stuff and I was on a huge emotional roller coaster. It was so destructive and tiring that my T pulled the pdoc in and he talked to me and bumped up my medication. I have finally reached my full medication and feel great. I'm stable right now and loving it. I'm finally out of my depression. I got bumped to 200 mg of Lamictal and 5 mg of Abilify. Let me tell you that Abilify is expensive. I can't afford it so luckily my docs hooked me up with some samples for now.

Since upping my meds and becoming more stable and not depressed I've found that I've been sleeping a lot better. Normally I would wake up about 5-8 times a night and feel wide awake, but force myself to go back to sleep. Now I only wake up 1-2 times a night. Although when I bumped my meds I slept between 1-4 hrs for about 3 nights and I was still wide awake during the day. I once went for 2 weeks with 2-3 hrs of sleep a night. It was ridiculous, but luckily now I am sleeping much better :)

I kinda just started this as a test and as a journal. I don't expect anyone to read this, but if you do then great. Its more for me than anyone else.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about six months ago. I've apparently been living with it for about two years now.It was a tough thing to accept at first but now I see how much sense it makes. Things seem to be falling into place now that I better understand why things happen, but at the same time I don't understand any of it. All I know now is that it has a name. I had become very irrational at the time I originally sought treatment. I was extremely depressed and was originally treated for that. Once I switched into a state of hypomania, they knew they had the wrong diagnosis.

My mood is constantly changing, but I'm usually on the depressed side. I will go from being perfectly fine to having the hardest time just getting through my day. Its really tiring and frustrating, but its my life now. If you have or know someone with bipolar cut yourself or your friend some slack. They could probably really use it. I'm not sure about other people with bipolar, but I know I feel extremely guilty for everything I do. When I screw up its almost like the end of the world to me.

Recently I screwed up with a really good friend. I've been having so much trouble lately that I never realized how much of my burden I was putting on her. Once she pointed it out to me it was too late. She needs space now and I'm trying as best I can not to slip into a serious depression. I feel like if I let my guard down for even a second I'm just going to lose it and slip down the dark path yet again. I've been having a really good couple days, but I think its starting to fade and I just really want my friend around. I miss her, but I'm trying to be strong and not a big baby lol.

I was really excited yesterday cuz I saw my best friend, who I haven't seen or talked to in awhile because I screwed things up with her as well. She threw me on a crazy roller coaster that lasted about 9 months before I finally got over it enough to function. Now I'm diving back in with her and trying to form a friendship, but none of my friends at home know because they all hate this girl for what she did to me. I had a fantastic day with her and my mom though on Friday. She's my best friend and basically my sister, so it was nice to act like that again and catch up.

Tomorrow I get to go hang out with people and go on a pub crawl. I'm freaking excited. Something to look forward to, so I don't slip into depression again. I'm just trying to stay busy and hang out with people these days.