I find it amazing how life can change instantaneously, especially for someone living with bipolar disorder. Things change all the time in every day life. The weather shifts from rain to sun, you make a wrong turn and end up lost, or you get a phone call about something happening to someone. All of these things have an impact in your life, but what if something as simple as a specific word or a situation threw you way off balance? How would you feel if something so simple changed your mood or life so drastically? You probably wouldn't like it and you might constantly worry about how certain situations will affect your life. Well that's kinda how I would explain bipolar disorder.

I've mentioned in the past few posts that I feel like myself again and pretty stable and I still do. However, today I realized that even if I am myself and stable, I will never be completely stable. There are still things that set me off in an instance. And yes I can gain control back, but even those few seconds of loss of control can change how my day, week, or even possibly my life will end up.

I snapped at my mom today. Now she should kinda be used to it by now because it happened daily for years before I learned to have some control. However, I never believe it is fair to her or anyone else to just expect that. My family and friends deserve better and I'm trying to be better. I haven't snapped at anyone in over a week which is a great accomplishment for me. However, today I snapped. I have come to realize that there are certain things that set me off without me even realizing it. Words come out of my mouth in anger before I can even comprehend what is happening. I feel like that's hard to believe, but the guilt that ensues after the words come out tells me I had no chance of stopping it. Today I snapped at my mom for bitching me out about doing something when it was already done. Now I should have been able to just say its already done, but instead I immediately started yelling at her about it. I didn't realize it until about halfway through and I apologized, but the damage was done. She was pissed and I got chewed out by my dad for talking to my mom that way. Seems trivial, but it was bad and I felt horrible. I should be able to control stuff like that, but unfortunately I can't. Unfortunately, I sometimes lose control because of the bipolar. No matter how hard I try, I seem to slip up sooner or later. Its not a fun game to play, but I guess its my reality these days.